Just Miss!

We always get up early in the mornings, musing over how boring and monotonous life has become, how very utterly predictable we are, and how peaceful life is ... I mean, really. For someone who hates risks and thinks twice before stepping out a comfort zone of sorts, risks are like, offering me a peanut-butter jelly sandwich along with my normal dosa, chutney and hot tea fare that I love on a very ordinary day. Why can't I have my way, or what I want, on a particular day? I don't like it! Blech! Why? Because it forces me to think 'out of the box', and take steps into zones I don't know or comprehend. It's like the masala coke I was forced to have, as part of a dare in college, or the sweet honey chaat which I absolutely, totally detest! :-P

Well, just this morning, I woke up grinning, thinking of last night and providence's crazy games. I've been a bit complacent about my weight and can see it piling on again, surely but steadily.(When it should've been the other way 'round. Sigh ...) Anyway, so coming to the adventure I had this morning.

I was talking to a friend and driving (using a handsfree headset, thank you), and all of a sudden, like, a C-grade Hindi movie, I literally felt like my steering wheel had been tugged right out of my hands (a la Bipasha Basu from 'Raaz'- ok, corny, chuck it), and the car just went into a spin of sorts ... Before I knew what was happening, all I could think of, was, "Ok, I'm skidding, and the steering's out of my hands and I have to stop it". My second thought was, "Shit, I'm going to hit someone and someone's going to get hurt!". Strangely, I never once thought I'd get hurt! My third thought as the car skidded completely out of control, and literally spin in side oblongs was, "I'm going to hit the apartment wall, and the car's going to get damaged". And oh! Did I mention I did a two tyre wheelie? Well I did ... A few seconds if not more. That's when I got a grip on the steering and veered towards the footpath which I could then see to my left (when the spinning world decided to slow down). Then a voice in my head, "When in a skid, hit the hand brakes", and that's exactly what I did, and to my relief, the car stopped. Perfectly aligned to the footpath and an inch away from it. I was blank. People came running and all I could think of was that my car had'nt been serviced properly and that there was an inherent problem with my brakes or my front right tyre.

Then I looked up just as a man came running to me, pulled my door open and asked me to step out. His next question had me stumped. "Which direction did you come from, Madam?". I did'nt know! I was blank ... It was a miracle that there was no traffic in front of, or behind me ... All I did was point in front of me and say, "There!". That was when I went "Whooooa" and realised I'd done a Jason Statham and a 360 degree spin on the road!

Before I could respond to anything or anyone else, a middle-aged dude in jogging tracks and a tee pulled me out of the car, made sit on the foot-path and pushed my head down between my knees and in a stern voice literally commanded me to "Stay down". I almost responded with a "Woof" then thought better of it. :P

Funny thing was, I only thought of my "valuables" (I'm sure we Indians coined this word), and feebly mentioned this when my car keys were pressed onto my palm and I was again asked to "Stay down". What, was this war? Bizarre thoughts ran through my head like a bullet, like way too many thoughts, ideas, concepts, theories all at once and I couldn't process even one, completely. Weird!

When I sat there, thinking of sinister ways of suing the Maruti Service centre for their carelessness in servicing my car, I heard two very loud "Thuds!", loud screeching of a heavy vehicle and lifted my head long enough to see two bikes skid across the road, throwing both riders off like two rebellious, belligerent horses, and a bus screeching away from them and scraping the side of the circle on the right side of the road. And of course, the poor first biker sat in the middle of the road, legs wide apart in front of him, looking dazed and lost. I'm sure I could've seen the tiny canaries flying around his head had I squinted hard enough. Funny it sounds but funny it was not, rest assured.

The othher biker wasn't so lucky and landed up with multiple injuries to his arm and leg when the bike fell and dragged him with it.

I can go the cliched way and say that the accident "changed me" and all of that hogwash. Well it did. To the extent that I value myself and my life (and my car!) a lot more and don't hesitate to say "No" to people I don't like, and to things that I don't want to do. It has made me a lot more aggressive and selfish in going after what I want and dismissing what I don't need and whom I don't want in my circle. I signed up for those music classes I'd really wanted to go for, for eons! gave myself more time at the gym, and recovered from work related and other personal shocks in a heartbeat. Because there's a fact I realised. You live, for yourself, your family and those closest to you. The ones who just come and go? Barely swish a shade of a colour in your life ... It's the ones who stay, who add hues and harmony to your life. But if your base colour should be black, white or red? That's something only you can dictate. :)

Ho! Boy ... 2011.

It's been a magnificently crazy year ... Lost friends, gained some more, lost a lot of confidence, gained some of it back, met a whole load of people, some stayed, some did'nt, and there you have it! A perfect Ezekiel's wheel ... Does seem true ... That the "Truth always seems stranger than fiction" ... Life's been an absolute pleasure of a roller-coaster though there have been times when all I felt like doing, was to get off ... We don't realise this, but if we really look? I mean Open-your-effin-eyes-and-look, sometimes there ARE NO extenuating circumstances to stop us from being who we want to be, or being where, we want to go. It's just us, and the walls we build, out of fear of distancing ourselves from norms of what WE think, society has paved for us.

Cliched? It is. But it also is a fact. How many times have we, as teenage rebels done things just 'cause someone said we would'nt be able to???? Pretty much forms the crux of those crazy bets, mishaps, outta the blue fractures and accidents which drove our folks up the wall, right? :-)

I for one, have decided that astrology, Science maybe, fact maybe, truth maybe, figment of human thought maybe, is not going to dictate what path my life will take. I've had astrologers "predict" that I'd lose weight only after I got married ... I mean, give me a break, will you? How can anyone predict that? :-D Ridiculous!

That's decision 1. Onto decision 2. Met someone awesome. I mean seriously nice and a complete charmer through the folks. Serious enough to have me falling head over heels (again? Not quite like the last time) in a very atypically me, way. I CANNOT imagine myself feeling for someone, anyone, the cynical being I am. :P And ah, well, lesson learnt. Rather, lessons learnt:

1) Listen to well-meaning friends about what's to be done and what's not.

2) Don't be needy. There's no need for daily convis (Hate the last guy I met, for this!), or messages. Yuk! :-)

3) Listen to experienced friends and not friends who have'nt had such experiences before for sensible, rational, or practical advice.

4) We're women, at the end of the day and need not act pricey to get the guys we want (humility helps), but need to remember that if you value someone too much in too short a time, it's turns inversely proportional- the amount they gradually value you.

5) Don't ever sell yourself short. Life is, but your value is'nt.

6) If you find yourself emotionally vulnerable enough to "want" someone so badly-that-you'd-die-if-you-did'nt-get-him types, step back. It hurts, but what the hell, it's better than falling straight in "love", obsessing over it and having your heart shattered where it was'nt even warranted! Thank God I didn't go there. :)

7) I've always counselled friends and people who speak to me, about confidence, trust, understanding and respect being the 4 pillars of any relationship. It's funny. It's almost as if I hadd to run through the motions and the angst of what first timers in relationships or potential relationships face. I ended up breaking the cardinal rules. Anyway, met some more "prospectives" and discovered a dangerous truth lurking behind it all. Meeting and greeting sessions actually do end up having some amount of an effect on who we are, and how we perceive people.

Here's to 2011 and the days that went by. I don't mean to make this an ultra gloomy blog, but at a stage where I'm starting afresh so this is like a prelude to what is to come.

Hopefully greener pastures, or spring flowers in existing ones. Who knows? Apart from someone up there? :-) (P.S: Personally, I'd prefer spring flowers in the existent pasture, but sigh). :-)

Finally! I'm done!

Took my first decision without re-thinking and going, "What if"? Yay!

What-if's are endless and that's how we screw up decisions ... So no more of those! What would make me happy? Where do I see myself now? in a few years?

1) Travelling, working and staying outside India for a while to earn my moolah, experiencing life on my own, living on my own terms, in an open, expansive environment.

2) Doing something related to kids and music.

3) Working hard in a job I like, to fuel what I want to do.

How does marriage and settling down feed into all of this?

1) It's a beautiful phase to commit\settle\live with someone who shares ideals, values and a similar outlook with you on life.

2) Gone are the days when it was THE thing for a woman to do, keeping all else aside.

3) Yes we have biological clocks ticking, but what would we do, producing kids out of a loveless marriage?

4) Do doing these duties certainly guarantee a certificate or award of commitment or fulfillment for a woman?

These are some slightly unsettling thoughts which had been gut-punching me for a while. I'm done processing each of these, pros and cons, looking at various angles to weed out those irrelevant to me, and have only kept those which are relevant.

Forces you to think ... Really.

Of broken hearts, mended souls and manacled minds ...
It's been a hell of a crazy week. I've seen the worst of heartbreaks happen to a close friend from work, and I don't mean to swear the air Blue, putting the Irish to shame, but I figured out what the hell the word 'Mind fucked' means ... (Thank you Mon, for that term, leveraging it from your collection of prized phrases). It's when two people communicate, one seeing roses and starlight, building glittering marble castles on rainbows, with stardust picket fences, and unicorns as pets (simulating the characteristic Labrador), whereas the other sees pleasurable company, someone to vent and talk to, and a 'distraction' whilst their best of interests and most treasured dreams bloom to life. So, who's to lose, and who's to win here when one's ready to quit and move on, and the other's still dreaming?

This blog is dedicated to this friend mentioned above and of course, for reasons obvious, names will be concealed.

Unfortunately, she loved her castles on rainbowed stairways and the other person did'nt. Hmmmm, an author rightly put it, women are definitely from Venus and men are from Mars. I got a bitter dose of that in the past 3 days and learnt a lesson. Rather re-learnt a bitter lesson from seeing this friend crumble. I mean literally crumble. Never believe a man who does'nt speak his mind. Plus always make sure you;re on the same page and truly synched up. Watch what priorities are all about ... Never be an option to someone and make them your priority. Never works that way. Phew!

Lesson learnt, information assimilated, and moved on! Not easy, because we're human, (and women to top it all!), and tears drop, at the drop of a hat. I could've collected buckets (or like you said, Mon, "She did Ganga-Jamuna-Saraswathi all over me!").

After seeing this happen to a friend, after nearly losing my life in a freak accident, and after getting shockers otherwise, my next steps ... and Mon and D-chechi, this is for you:

1) STOP being negative! The world's my oysters and is filled with wonderful people waiting to meet with, and take on life with.
2) Focus on priorities and decisions keeping my life in mind. We can all afford to be a bit selfish sometimes.
3) Write the GMAT. (I are'nt getting a bloody date! I hate Prometric!). :-D
4) Give up, whole heartedly and peacefully, the idea of losing my singledom ... Atleast for the next year or two. The idea of meeting people (essentially checklists), with hope and a whole lot of optimism, sounds positively deja vu and makes me nauseous. Topmost on my list of things to avoid ...
6) Do NOT bitch about incidents or people- it's over and done with. Or else leads to bitterness and cynicism.
6) Stay calm. Life's a lot more than we make it out to be.
7) QUIT work.
8) Travel more.
9) Courage, strength, light, calm, determination, desire and focus- imbibe!
To Ti, M, Mon, D- chechi, K, Niv and R- one of the hottest mommies I know- Thank you!

Thankful for a wonderful family, supportive and encouraging friends and an amazing brat of a brother for practising normalcy and acting like nothing ever happened ("So what if your car tyre is bent, get another!"), and that the world revolved around the Sun, which rose again brilliantly, calm, serene, melting away traces of yesterday, vaporising tears of last night, and for building us another rainbow stairway. Destination- set. Journey- measured. And it begins ...

It's crazy how life sometimes brings you to crossroads with a multitude of options to choose from, but there's just one you'd like to pick, and the stakes are highest there! What would you do? Especially if it involved more than one life (ok, it's life and death, but not literal). There are some things in life which cannot merit a pro vs Con listing. It's simply THERE, a risk to take, a chance to gain from, the danger oif losing, and so on. It's almost like a game of 'Snakes and ladders'. You roll the dice with bated breath and stop breathing from the time the dice leave your hand and till they hit the table\floor. Then what? :-)

I guess it's a bit of fear as well. Someone once said that man will always fear what he does'nt understand ... That's why we'd rather avoid someone we can't "peg" as a certain type, or we fear certain situations which we know or we think we can't handle or control. This, is one of those ... And the next few days are certainly going to be a challenge ... To maintain dignity and sanity, and hoping for a positive outcome! :-) Bated breath and prayer beads in hand!

It's tougher being someone like me I guess. We're habitated to think first, of others, loved ones, doing a 360 degree analysis of the consequences of our decisions, and then thinking of ourselves before taking any kind of decisions. I'm not being boastful but it's just how and who we are ... Not risk takers, preferring the road more often travelled than the one less travelled, and one which offers the least of surprises (pleasant and unpleasant). Trying hard to change that.
'Cause like a close friend said to me today,"You're given just one life. Even in that, if you try and live only for others and not for yourself, what, truly, would you have achieved? In your own eyes?". True, ain't it? So from tomorrow, I'll make my own mistakes, take my own risks and chances, and make the most of any damn opportunity that shows up, like a guest, invited or not.
:-)

“I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried,
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing,
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing,
To think, I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way,
Oh no, oh no not me,
I did it my way” …

My dream when I say ‘Ta’ and move on, is precisely what Sinatra sang that he did … Live life, my way, my terms, make my folks happy and myself too in the bargain … :-D

I did’nt know 30 could be so hard. A new decade. A new period of hope, dreams, goals based on ground reality, not as a mid-sized mother of 2, being a “Mrs So and So”, sorry, a “Mrs. Kamath” or a “Mrs Shenoy”, a ‘soona’ to someone, a mother to a few. Here I am, a few weeks shy of becoming 30 (I’m deliberately not using the word ‘turning’, it’s my worst nightmare to think of the bloody movie), single, still being confused enough about love being "love" or a mere 'Lifeline', (who knows?), and cutely chubby to some, grotesquely overweight to a few more- (Mostly ‘prospective grooms and their seriously issue-ridden parents). :-)

I’ve spent a good part of my life reading. Books on adventure, crime, psychological thrillers, the occasional horror story (the only one I did’nt complete being the Exorcist which had me literally peeing in my pants at age 14). It’s just that off-late, I noticed a, well, "trend" of piling on the ‘Nora Roberts’ series of muddy romances and believe you me, I am sincerely trying to wean myself away from them. A rebel for a better part of my life, all of a sudden, since the debacle with a seemingly perfect New Zealander (Kiara oara!) happened, I can’t help but think as to whether this IS what I’ve really and actually been looking for? Without realising it? A touch of some good old fashioned romance???? (Oh boy! Shame on me, the socially awkward epitome of chubbiness!). Oooops! Perhaps there has been a mask hiding who I’ve really been and what I’ve really wanted or needed all this while. And I’ve spoken to friends in similar predicaments and to our chagrin (Damn it!), we’re pretty much the same. Romantically mucked up romantic retards, the odd balls who proclaim to run away from romance when that’s all some of us have ever been looking for!

Proof of this being when I had dinner a few months ago with a friend whom I’ve known for the past 24 years (Shit!, we’re old). This ‘Ooooh, I hate committing to one man, no way!’ kinda gal actually admitted that the arranged setup was’nt for her because she thought she was a good old-fashioned romantic who wanted, and believed in a Prince Charming who’d make that unusual (We have to be different, right?) appearance and sweep her off her feet! (He’d f*****g better!) Or else we’d get together and sue Rhonda Byrne for screwing up our confidence and leading us to believe in the power of the Universe … Wait a minute, why have’nt the makers if He-man and Skeletor sued already?). Jeeeez and sheeeesh …

Now, tragically, I find myself up at nights (pathetic!), wondering, going ‘what if’ and asking myself questions which I consciously know will only take me under … It’s murky down there and I seriously, sincerely don’t want to go down that road of no return unless that’s the only way out (Shudder!). I am actually scared of ending up like an aunt who’s not-so-ok in the head because she did’nt get married at the ‘right time’. One question though: Biological clock aside. Why is it necessary for a woman to be married before she’s 27-28? Also aside from the fact that if a woman marries when she’s younger, she’ll be ‘mouldable’ (Sorry if that ain’t a word, I coined it), to the husband and his ways … How ancient and sexist a statement is that? Why is it taboo?

That’s me … Just 30. And as I stand on this threshold, I’m going to use this blog … To vent out my ire, frustrations, sorrow (Sob tales too). So put up with it, or move your cursor to the address bar, type a link and move on!

On a cold Sunday morning, we set out on a pilgrimage ... ordinary ... so what? ah,but an experience it was ... 10 people,different backgrounds but somehow who'd come together to take a trip to pay an obeisance to the 'Big Boss' as my Dad fondly refers to Lord Venkatramana at Tirupathi. Ok,well? ordinary ... Different?... it was ... and here's how.

First it was just 4 people ... Our family and my Uncles'. We were fortunate that another person dropped out because my close friend (ah! company! :-) )decided she'd come,so we were a cozy small group of 5. Then joined in the Jaipur Artist and the 'art patron'. Almost sounded mystical,not to mention mysterious when we heard of the occupation of the other members who joined us. And so we set out.

I've always loved Tirupathi when it rains there ... what with the flowers in bloom,not having withered from the cold.This adds to the surreal feeling one gets when driving through the 'red rock hills'. How is it that while the other hills of that particular Ghat section are made up of 'normal grey rock' and the ones constituting the 7 Tirumala Hills are a red-layered type? People believe the 7 hills to be the coils of Adi sesha,the King of snakes who provides Lord Narayana shelter and a bed to lie on. Hard to believe? Well,the fact that the red rock(sorry,no geological name found by me yet) is layered does heighten that effect. The mist stretches almost beyond one's imagination,making the path ahead far from visible.To add to the effect are the sounds of devotional songs penetrating through the interminable fog,giving rise to a feeling of hope and a feeling of being far away ... from troubles,practicality and life itself ...

The environment and the serenity I felt was,I don't know ... contagious?... with everyone falling into a calm silence as we climbed the hill.The chill reminded me that we were in the hills,but the flowers blooming aplenty somehow did not seem to fit in with the scheme of nature one normally perceives with the cold hillside in winter.

I'd prayed for rain before starting out,reminiscent of the enhanced beauty and magnificence of Tirupathi when we were there the last time 'round when it had rained,cooling the place to a comfortable temperature(duplicating the weather at home),and also giving rise to the fog and mist early,adding to the ethereality of the place.

Lo! it was raining and was I thrilled! :-) I'd taken my camera,well, sneaked it along this time,hoping to capture a few good landscape photographs of Tirumala while there.On the climb up,there's a spot where there's a small Ganesha Temple to be found and we've always prayed there before proceeding uphill.The belief beng that Lord Ganesha would make sure our journey went smooth and that we'd have a peaceful pilgrimage free of worries,tension and troubles.

The view from that point on the hill was mind-blowing and I actually (cookie me!) stood on the edge of a water tank there to get a better view,balancing a foot on the step and one,skywards,to click a picture of the imposing hillside in the mist,cold and rain.But what a picture it was! Thrilled at the first 'awesome' picture I'd gotten,I made my way back to the tempo,thanking Ganesha for the first bauble for my treasure-chest that I'd collected.

We reached in the evening at around 6 p.m and immediately checked into the Kashi Mutt,our mainstay each time we went to Tirupathi.We dropped our clothes and my friend and I got a room to ourselves,much to our delight,and then we all made our way to meet the Chief priest Dr. Ramana Dikshitar.

Dr. Dikshitar always never ceases to amaze me. A man of remarkable reading, he holds a degree in Micro-biology and was a professor of the subject before taking up priest-hood at the Tirupathi Temple,a family tradition by inheritance.

Strength and Courage
It takes strength to fit in.It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains.It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse.It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone.It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love.It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive.It takes courage to live.

And Lord Krishna said,"Enduing injustice,knowing fully well that it is so ...is a crime far worse than the one the tyrant is inflicting upon you ..."

Worth a thought????