“I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried,
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing,
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing,
To think, I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way,
Oh no, oh no not me,
I did it my way” …

My dream when I say ‘Ta’ and move on, is precisely what Sinatra sang that he did … Live life, my way, my terms, make my folks happy and myself too in the bargain … :-D

I did’nt know 30 could be so hard. A new decade. A new period of hope, dreams, goals based on ground reality, not as a mid-sized mother of 2, being a “Mrs So and So”, sorry, a “Mrs. Kamath” or a “Mrs Shenoy”, a ‘soona’ to someone, a mother to a few. Here I am, a few weeks shy of becoming 30 (I’m deliberately not using the word ‘turning’, it’s my worst nightmare to think of the bloody movie), single, still being confused enough about love being "love" or a mere 'Lifeline', (who knows?), and cutely chubby to some, grotesquely overweight to a few more- (Mostly ‘prospective grooms and their seriously issue-ridden parents). :-)

I’ve spent a good part of my life reading. Books on adventure, crime, psychological thrillers, the occasional horror story (the only one I did’nt complete being the Exorcist which had me literally peeing in my pants at age 14). It’s just that off-late, I noticed a, well, "trend" of piling on the ‘Nora Roberts’ series of muddy romances and believe you me, I am sincerely trying to wean myself away from them. A rebel for a better part of my life, all of a sudden, since the debacle with a seemingly perfect New Zealander (Kiara oara!) happened, I can’t help but think as to whether this IS what I’ve really and actually been looking for? Without realising it? A touch of some good old fashioned romance???? (Oh boy! Shame on me, the socially awkward epitome of chubbiness!). Oooops! Perhaps there has been a mask hiding who I’ve really been and what I’ve really wanted or needed all this while. And I’ve spoken to friends in similar predicaments and to our chagrin (Damn it!), we’re pretty much the same. Romantically mucked up romantic retards, the odd balls who proclaim to run away from romance when that’s all some of us have ever been looking for!

Proof of this being when I had dinner a few months ago with a friend whom I’ve known for the past 24 years (Shit!, we’re old). This ‘Ooooh, I hate committing to one man, no way!’ kinda gal actually admitted that the arranged setup was’nt for her because she thought she was a good old-fashioned romantic who wanted, and believed in a Prince Charming who’d make that unusual (We have to be different, right?) appearance and sweep her off her feet! (He’d f*****g better!) Or else we’d get together and sue Rhonda Byrne for screwing up our confidence and leading us to believe in the power of the Universe … Wait a minute, why have’nt the makers if He-man and Skeletor sued already?). Jeeeez and sheeeesh …

Now, tragically, I find myself up at nights (pathetic!), wondering, going ‘what if’ and asking myself questions which I consciously know will only take me under … It’s murky down there and I seriously, sincerely don’t want to go down that road of no return unless that’s the only way out (Shudder!). I am actually scared of ending up like an aunt who’s not-so-ok in the head because she did’nt get married at the ‘right time’. One question though: Biological clock aside. Why is it necessary for a woman to be married before she’s 27-28? Also aside from the fact that if a woman marries when she’s younger, she’ll be ‘mouldable’ (Sorry if that ain’t a word, I coined it), to the husband and his ways … How ancient and sexist a statement is that? Why is it taboo?

That’s me … Just 30. And as I stand on this threshold, I’m going to use this blog … To vent out my ire, frustrations, sorrow (Sob tales too). So put up with it, or move your cursor to the address bar, type a link and move on!

On a cold Sunday morning, we set out on a pilgrimage ... ordinary ... so what? ah,but an experience it was ... 10 people,different backgrounds but somehow who'd come together to take a trip to pay an obeisance to the 'Big Boss' as my Dad fondly refers to Lord Venkatramana at Tirupathi. Ok,well? ordinary ... Different?... it was ... and here's how.

First it was just 4 people ... Our family and my Uncles'. We were fortunate that another person dropped out because my close friend (ah! company! :-) )decided she'd come,so we were a cozy small group of 5. Then joined in the Jaipur Artist and the 'art patron'. Almost sounded mystical,not to mention mysterious when we heard of the occupation of the other members who joined us. And so we set out.

I've always loved Tirupathi when it rains there ... what with the flowers in bloom,not having withered from the cold.This adds to the surreal feeling one gets when driving through the 'red rock hills'. How is it that while the other hills of that particular Ghat section are made up of 'normal grey rock' and the ones constituting the 7 Tirumala Hills are a red-layered type? People believe the 7 hills to be the coils of Adi sesha,the King of snakes who provides Lord Narayana shelter and a bed to lie on. Hard to believe? Well,the fact that the red rock(sorry,no geological name found by me yet) is layered does heighten that effect. The mist stretches almost beyond one's imagination,making the path ahead far from visible.To add to the effect are the sounds of devotional songs penetrating through the interminable fog,giving rise to a feeling of hope and a feeling of being far away ... from troubles,practicality and life itself ...

The environment and the serenity I felt was,I don't know ... contagious?... with everyone falling into a calm silence as we climbed the hill.The chill reminded me that we were in the hills,but the flowers blooming aplenty somehow did not seem to fit in with the scheme of nature one normally perceives with the cold hillside in winter.

I'd prayed for rain before starting out,reminiscent of the enhanced beauty and magnificence of Tirupathi when we were there the last time 'round when it had rained,cooling the place to a comfortable temperature(duplicating the weather at home),and also giving rise to the fog and mist early,adding to the ethereality of the place.

Lo! it was raining and was I thrilled! :-) I'd taken my camera,well, sneaked it along this time,hoping to capture a few good landscape photographs of Tirumala while there.On the climb up,there's a spot where there's a small Ganesha Temple to be found and we've always prayed there before proceeding uphill.The belief beng that Lord Ganesha would make sure our journey went smooth and that we'd have a peaceful pilgrimage free of worries,tension and troubles.

The view from that point on the hill was mind-blowing and I actually (cookie me!) stood on the edge of a water tank there to get a better view,balancing a foot on the step and one,skywards,to click a picture of the imposing hillside in the mist,cold and rain.But what a picture it was! Thrilled at the first 'awesome' picture I'd gotten,I made my way back to the tempo,thanking Ganesha for the first bauble for my treasure-chest that I'd collected.

We reached in the evening at around 6 p.m and immediately checked into the Kashi Mutt,our mainstay each time we went to Tirupathi.We dropped our clothes and my friend and I got a room to ourselves,much to our delight,and then we all made our way to meet the Chief priest Dr. Ramana Dikshitar.

Dr. Dikshitar always never ceases to amaze me. A man of remarkable reading, he holds a degree in Micro-biology and was a professor of the subject before taking up priest-hood at the Tirupathi Temple,a family tradition by inheritance.

Strength and Courage
It takes strength to fit in.It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend's pain.It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains.It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse.It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone.It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love.It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive.It takes courage to live.

And Lord Krishna said,"Enduing injustice,knowing fully well that it is so ...is a crime far worse than the one the tyrant is inflicting upon you ..."

Worth a thought????

'Coming of age' to an Indian girl in the early 80s' usually meant the beginning of a long 'hunt',for the most eligible bachelor who would eventually become her 'husband'.The concept of a 'life-partner' was kind of nascent,with very few Indian men allowing their wives to go ahead and work to build a fruitful career and treating them equal in society....

Come the advent of the new millenium and the usage of the word still has'nt yet changed....Well,almost has'nt.It's different now,'cause thankfully,the hunt is more for a compatible 'life-partner' and not just a 'husband'.However,one thing has'nt changed.Life is a bugbear when you're single,settling your career and well,the operative word being.....SINGLE! That still remains tabboo! because if you are,then you have to have a reason for remaining so.

I beg to differ.'Cause for me,being single is an individual's choice and prerogative.
Well,at 24,having been eligible and in the marriage 'market' for 2 years now,here are some of my experiences,some hilarious,some dark and some simply too absurd to even think possible!
:-)

I've somehow been a bit of a recluse....The truth is,I like going out for the occasional cup of coffee,but am fussy about the company I keep,or am seen with.That's about being me. Anyway,to cut to the point.I was working with a new team and after having completed a team meeting,on exitting the conference room,I received a call from home.Like a bolt from the blue,I realised that I was being given details of my first 'arranged blind date'.Ulp.......was my first reaction.Jesus Christ!-my second and Catatrosphe! my third....After half an hour of calming myself down in the rest room,I went back to work....

D-Day arrived,a Saturday(my week-end was runied,how convenient!) and after having a two hour counselling session by my Father on reasons why I would have to consider this possibility as a future option,them being the guy was well-settled,an engineer, was willing to let me study and did'nt mind my working to get my career underway.Wow the quintessential Prince Charming! yeah rrrright!

Hmmmm,well,cut forward....Dad,Mum and me in our car,that night,travelling behind the 'prospective's car,consisting of him and his relatives and my bro-the navigator,going out to dinner.My Dad spends the half hour of the entire trip,telling me why I should'nt consider this guy....Ironically,this was after spending the former half of the day trying to convince me on why I should "Say Yes!"

Why?'Cause when he came home,and was sitting down on the sofa,well,seemed nice,quiet,played the drums-,someone with an interest in Western Music,and seemed very amicable to talk to and carry on a conversation with.Catastrophe began when he got back off the sofa to go to the front door,on the way out.I stand kinda tall at 5'6",and this guy,even on tip-toes did'nt reach my height....Heck! was I shocked????Na.......It was the most hilarious moment.Because in addition,to being tall,I can't describe myself as a creeper,more like a palm tree,(still flattering myself),well,whatever,basically on the healthier side of life! :-) And this guy was as lean as one can get....I mean jeez....very badly matched....almost all of a sudden,I was caught with a really bad fit of giggles.I mean,I had been hysterically nervous about this entire situation for the past two days,meeting a stranger,the prospect of getting married and moving into a strange family,adjusting work life,studies etc etc....and here it was almost like Providence had turned it into a huge joke! as if to say,'Chillax!,this happens too'....!!!!!! :-)

I told my friends this story the next day....and boy,did they have a good laugh at my expense....and it made me realise and sympathise with this person,who came,expecting a pretty,tall and willowy gal,and well....never mind! :-)

Moral of the story:Especially for all women going through the cut right now.Arranged marriage set up....always make sure the guy is atleast 2-3 inches taller,even on paper! before you agree to meet him,or else....You never know what you might get or whom you meet!

I seem to have forgotten the art of writing,but the talent of bungling with my PC is something I've retained!:-) Which is why some of you who read the earlier 'version' of this blog might find the content a bit 'different' here. :-) But what I intend to communicate is the same....

Despite having a cupboard cabinet full of diaries containing stories and long-forgotten incidents,the only writing I've done in the last 3 years consists of work-related e-mails,forwards(yeah....the Haha and the pheew! jokes!) and of course the cliched 'Hi....How are you????Howz the family?" kind of e-mails to family and friends.Of course,texting came with the advent of the cell-phone,but I decided to utilise this extra time on hand and revert to my third love-writing.

I like this concept of 'Retro blogs'....A little more than the usual 'what's happening with my life and the world around me'. Basically,since passing out of college,armed with a Bachelors' in Commerce,I always wanted to obtain that coveted MBA degree,wear those fancy business suits and travel to places with a faithful laptop,discussing,managing and creating......what????ideas,strategies and a company! That's what MBAs' do! :-) Anyway,that's what my perspective was before I realised that normal people can do that without an MBA!!!! Fast forward 3 years down the line,MBA remains a cherished dream no MBA,but studying the CFA with equal zest.

Life taught me a lot,and most of the lessons were results of small incidents,and the various people who moved into my life,outside of it and moved my life by remaining as treasured friends,who've changed my life!-for better and for worse....HOW,is what I intend to attempt to portray,through my blogs.

Disclaimer:Any resemblance to any person,or place existent and owned,is purely NOT co-incidental.This is my blog and if anyone feels offended or hurt,well...............Live with it!...........
Just kidding!I would never intentionally do that! :-)
People who've known me or have interacted with me,no matter how brief,may find themselves here....Please do feel free to give me advise,comments,opinions and lastly,to voice a different perspective,if you find my views different from yours'.You're very welcome to do so..... :-)